Racy I know – if you’re prudish, you may want to leave now because this may be a TMI moment. However, since I’m here with my closest friends, I thought I’d share.
The beginning of my day started out with the usual mom things. Coffee, FB, poking small and not-so-small children awake to start their schoolwork, phone calls, bills maybe a shower and soccer practice. That’s about where my day went awry, into the world of “Ew” and “Excuse me, I’m trying to pick my underwears!”
After dropping the third-born off at soccer and racing the big dog off to the vet because her “glands” are clogged – again. (And you thought this was the TMI moment!) We race back to pick him up with “eau de garter snake” whiff, wafting through the mini-van. LOVELY! I guess I shouldn’t be the one complaining though…..
Off to Target, Petsmart, Party City – stink following us the entire time. “I wonder if the people around me can smell that on me?”
Me, being the kind mother that I am, drop the son and now unclogged dog off before my next few errands. Off I go again – *Who ever coined the phrase “stay-at-home” mother, never was one! I’m never home?
I’ve been spending my time at a local place… I hesitate to mention it because I know I’m going to catch flack for it. But for $.66 a day for 5 minutes, I get peace and quiet, vitamin D and warmth…. if you haven’t guessed by now, it’s the tanning booth. And no, I don’t normally go there – but I couldn’t take the constant grey anymore and before I drowned my self in the puddle that we call a front yard, I thought I’d take a “lighter” route. (Couldn’t help that one!) And once my $20 welcome package is up, my time there will also be, but boy it feels nice for the time being! Not to mention looking nice for when my dentist man comes home! Don’t write me about it – you won’t change my mind.
Feeling perked up, I head to my local store that carries my yummy olives, lotion and clothes – because I need a little of all these tonight. As I come in I notice a sale on skivvies I immediately head over and start looking. Ok – THIS is where the TMI probably comes in. I’m not usually one for undies – why bother if they spend all their time in the wrong spot anyway? I mean really? But they have these new fangled boy-cut ones that are just way to cool! And sure enough – they’re on sale. I love sales! So there I go digging for the last remaining “S” in the bunch. For some reason this is a hard size to find and I know for darn sure there aren’t that many “S” size keesters out there!
As I’m elbow deep in spandex, there is a man assisting his wife in picking underthings… for their daughter… who’s not even there – thank goodness for her!! He begins shouting across the ladies section “I don’t like these ones, they show too much! I like these ones, they look like sports bra’s!” I won’t go into all the various comments he chose to share with the entire ladies department, let’s just sum it up with, he “thinks” he doesn’t like lacy underwear… yeah right!
Making an already delicate situation even more awkward, he picks up a pair that he had just witnessed me put in my little basket and proceeds to yell “These are slutty!”
I haven’t seen my dentist man in months, you’re darn tootin’ they’re slutty! Now back off you freak and go pick out your daughters granny panties!
Oooh – off to get my yummy olives!
And as any good wife…. I pick up some “bikini creme”, because we want to be “well-kept” for homecoming. Oh stop – like you wouldn’t do the same thing! Some body wash, because my body took it upon itself to break out NOW and off to the self check out of course – I’ve already been told I’m a Jezebel, like I need someone else judging my shorts….
Scan, scan, scan, scan, scan, scan, scan…..
None of my sales are coming up? Do I mention this or not? Heck yeah – I want my BOGO!
*Now let me state for the record – this checker at self check out was excellent! So when I go through the following, trust me, it wasn’t her fault. She did great!
She quickly walks over and goes through my now stuffed bag with several pairs of underpants… and olives, to find what was for sale. She goes through the sales flyer, checks with her co-worker next to her, then calls the front desk – Wow, talk about going above and beyond! Then while on the phone with women’s tighty-whitey section, goes through them a second time to see if I have the right ones – yup, I do. She put’s in the secret sale code and then we realize I should have had one more. She comes over and takes them out again to count them – yup, six shameless pairs of boy-shorts, check. *bloop, bloop, bloop* magical sale comes through.
Aaannnddd – one last time they get brought out to remove what ever tag it is that keeps making me beep….
So now, same woman who went through self check out so as to not let anyone know she’s buying knickers, has now had random comments from strangers made about said bottoms and oversaw them being pulled out numerous times for all to see!
I left with a very red face – and it wasn’t from the tanning.